


Please Smile

by meteor_cities



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24927904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meteor_cities/pseuds/meteor_cities
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

_Keep going, keep going. Abandon the thought. Get rid of it. It’s not real._

Illumi, at this time, was still a boy and was currently hiding under the covers of his bed. He didn’t understand the thoughts he was having, he didn’t understand why his mother forced him to have his hair cut, why he was beaten when he snuck into his mother’s closet to play with her shoes.

_“You’re not a girl! Stop trying to be something you’re not!”_

It was his parents’ worst fear, or at least Kikyo’s. They needed a male heir, and even as Illumi told this to himself, that’s not what he felt. He didn’t want to be the heir, he didn’t want to be a boy.

The thought alone sent the 10-year-old’s body into shakes, silent sobs leaving his body. _Why me? Why can’t I be normal?_

Silva eventually had told Kikyo to let Illumi grow his hair out. His justification was that if he could have long hair, so could his son. And so now, Illumi’s hair at shoulder length, he was in bed, crying.

Silva had never really engaged with Illumi. He didn’t care for what Illumi did unless it was truly punishable. Illumi might have thought once or twice that Silva was a safe place, but nonetheless, he kept quiet. He didn’t want Kikyo to beat him more. He didn’t want his father to hate him, too. The only person who didn’t hate him, he was positive, were Milluki and Killua, who were only toddlers at this time.

He removed the blanket from over his head, staring around at the walls around him, the door that made the walls into a complete room, one that was designated as Illumi’s and only Illumi’s. One where he danced and put on a gloss he’d stolen from his mother, making himself giggle quietly. One where he put on his oversized shirts and pretended they were dresses.

It wouldn’t be long until his true identity was discovered to his family. He was scared for that day, where they’d find him doing things “only girls” could do. 

_Why can’t I? Why can’t I?_

There were times, of course, where Illumi tried to manipulate his body, that maybe he’d wake up and be happy with who really is. And it failed. He would lay on the floor crying, scratched up and bruised, bloody from coughing up blood. Dizzy and throwing up, his head in agony. Nen wasn’t his specialty at 10 years old, and even so, he still damaged himself trying to become someone his family thought he would never be.

Sometimes, even, he’d let himself get hurt in training. He’d let his enemies hurt him, taunt him because he never wanted to live this life as someone he didn’t think he was. He never asked to be born in a body that wasn’t his.

**Maybe he just wanted to die.**

And that was truly something no 10-year-old kid should have ever wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

Anxiety filled Illumi’s brain.

Illumi was older now, and in pain still. Thoughts filled his mind as he sat across from Killua, who was fiddling with his hands. Killua was old enough to understand what Illumi was about to say, but he was scared.

Illumi chose Killua as the first one in the Zoldyck family that he’d tell. He knew Killua would at least try to understand. Or, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t tell anybody else. He could keep a secret.

“Illumi, please. I don’t have time,” Killua whined. Illumi went pale, holding back a retaliation. 

“Killu… I don’t think… I don’t think I’m who mama wants me to be..”

Killua tilted his head, not quite understanding. “You’re not really an assassin?”

Illumi laughed breathily. Killua had a way of accidentally alleviating some stress from Illumi with laughter.

“I’m not…” Illumi looked at his lap. “I don’t… I don’t belong in this.. I’m not a boy..”

Killua stared. He didn’t understand but in a second. he was holding Illumi’s face. Illumi’s eyes were teary, and he was truly in pain. 

“Please.. Please don’t tell mama…”

Killua sighed, shaking his head. “You’re not anything, Illumi. You’re just Illumi. Why does it matter who you are?”

Illumi shrugged, sniffling. He looked away. _Girl. I’m a girl! Why can’t you understand it?_

Killua sighed. “Illumi..”

“Yeah..?”

“I won’t tell mom.”

“Oh.. Okay…”

Illumi looked down. He didn’t want anybody to know, really. Except for Killua, whom he trusted with a lot of things. “I wanna be a girl..”

“Okay, Illu. It’s okay.”

Illumi trusted Killua’s smile. Illumi trusted Killua’s smile and Killua’s words. He trusted everything Killua did for him.

“Thank you..”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Illumi left the room, returning to his neutral expression. It’d be a while before Illumi decided to call himself _“she”_ ; it just didn’t fit right with him until his family also knew. 

“Illumi.”

The voice stunned Illumi, making him gasp. Silva, Illumi’s father. Silva terrified Illumi, so so much. Illumi blinked.

“Yes?”

“Who do you think you are?”

_Smack._

The slap left Illumi disoriented, causing him to stumble. Tears filled Illumi’s eyes. _The anxiety, the pain he built up from years of repression, he’d felt it all._

“You are not a girl. You will never be a girl. Do you understand?”

Illumi nodded through a sob, getting up and stumbling to his room.

_I am a girl, dad! I am! Please!_


	3. Chapter 3

Silva’s words were all it took to get Illumi to run away.

Illumi usually hated when his siblings ran away from home. He hated when Killua felt rebellious and decided to leave. He hated himself for leaving the house. But what other choice did he have? Not likely any, considering who he was and why he was that way.

Illumi dealt with anxiety since he was a kid, along with heavy body dysphoria. It just was a common theme for him. So, even though he had long hair, he stared at himself in the mirror of a store’s bathroom and punched the glass.

Why did you do that?

He looked at his untouched hand and the shattered mirror. He heard people coming, hence he ran out before they could notice him, leaving without a trace out of the store’s back door.

This backdoor had led Illumi into an alleyway. Incidentally, it was dark by the time Illumi had reached the city, considering the Zoldyck family mansion was literally in the middle of nowhere, sat atop a dormant volcano.

Illumi hadn’t worried about being alone in the night. He was used to it. Fear training taught him that the dark is nothing to be afraid of, and sometimes can be more rewarding than daylight could.

Illumi paused. He heard footsteps other than his own. Big, loud. Not matching his small, quiet step.

Suddenly his neck was in the embrace of someone’s large hand, causing him to gasp. Illumi stayed still. That was what always worked.

“Whaaat? Not gonna put up a fight for me?” the voice taunted. The voice was rough and loud. It made Illumi shiver. The hand on his neck tightened.

“No fun in killing you if you don’t struggle.”

Illumi let tears fall. He didn’t care anymore what would hurt him or what would kill him. He didn’t want to live this life anyway.

“Uvo.”

Illumi opened his eyes, scanning the alley for the person who spoke the soft voice. It sent a cooling sense through Illumi’s body, making him feel calm.

Illumi heard the click of heels, making his heart stutter with every click click click that he heard.

“We wouldn’t want Chrollo knowing you killed a Zoldyck, would we?”

Illumi saw the person in front of him, tall, a bit clownish looking, at least to him/ The taller wore a smug grin, and Illumi felt his body drop to the ground, his eyes making contact with the tall man’s shoes, long hair falling into his face.

“Illumi Zoldyck… What a surprise!”

Illumi stood up, pushing his hair behind his ear. He flinched when the man stuck his hand out.

“Hisoka Morow. I apologise for Uvo.” 

Hisoka gave the man called Uvo a look, then pulling Illumi into his arms.

“I’ll handle this one on my own.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Let’s take a walk, shall we?”

Illumi followed behind the taller man named Hisoka. He was more than grateful for Hisoka saving him, although he wasn’t sure why he still wanted to live. They walked for a while, not making any comments to each other until they came to a stop in the middle of the street, which was empty and only lit by the moon.

“What brings you to the city?”

Illumi tilted his head. He wasn’t sure of this question, let alone if he should answer it. So, he shrugged. For some reason, this amused Hisoka.

“Are you looking for someone? Did Silva send you to kill someone?”

Illumi cringed at the name of his father. He shook his head quickly, looking down. His hair cascaded to the sides of his face, making him almost disappear.

“I… I ran away…”

Hisoka’s amused expression fell. He wasn’t used to people like Illumi running away. He’s a top-of-the-class assassin, for crying out loud! So what could he be running away from? Why did he want to run away?

“Why did you leave?”

Illumi didn’t want to trust this stranger with his identity, let alone be with the stranger. But, Hisoka knew him, so was he really a stranger? They’d also exchanged names…

“Because… People like me aren’t welcome there…”

Hisoka didn’t understand. He took another look at Illumi. He seemed very shy, too shy to be an assassin. He watched Illumi push his hair back behind his ear, his round face being exposed to the light of the moon.

“Let me take you home.”

Illumi hesitated but then agreed. It was better than going back to his house, even if he was going with a stranger.

When they reached the house, Illumi stood still in the entryway. He watched Hisoka move around as if he was dancing. Hisoka paused when he realized Illumi wasn’t following.

“Well, do you want to sit?”

Illumi nodded, and sat quickly on the couch, almost robotically. What was Hisoka thinking? Why was Illumi scared of finding out what Hisoka was thinking?

“You’re not really a boy, are you?”

Illumi sat there, awe-struck. He knew? How did he know? Was it the hair? Illumi shook his head, looking down at his lap. He heard Hisoka sigh.

“That’s why you left.”

“No.. No! You’re wrong..”

Hisoka sighed a bit, looking around. What could he do?

Illumi looked around, tears in his eyes. Why did he deny Hisoka’s proposal? He was right, he certainly was a girl. So why didn’t he believe it? Was it the reality of it? Did that scare him? Or was it the voice of his father echoing, telling him he’s a boy and nothing more than a boy?

Illumi covered his face with his hands, crying softly. He was beginning to deny himself, to deny his own identity. And he thought this whole time that what he was doing was escaping his father when really, he was escaping so much more.


	5. Chapter 5

Hisoka stood in front of Illumi, watching his panic form in his eyes. He knew how to be patient, how to be careful when talking to someone about this.

Hisoka understood Illumi’s panic because he’d been there before, too. He understood the look on Illumi’s face, the way he was spaced out like a lost child.

When Illumi came to, Hisoka smiled, sitting slowly next to Illumi, leaning forward to look at Illumi’s face. “What are you thinking?”

Illumi sighed, letting Hisoka’s question echo in his head. His breathing felt rapid and shaky. “I…I want to be myself…”

Hisoka hummed, tilting his head. He understood Illumi’s request, but he wanted Illumi to vocalize what he wanted to avoid possibly jumping to a conclusion that wouldn’t fit Illumi at all. “What do you think you are?”

Illumi didn’t understand, so he shook his head. “What?”

Hisoka sighed. Illumi’s voice was so soft, seemingly making him more fragile. It frankly amused him, but he hid that from Illumi. “Illumi Zoldyck, are you a man?”

“No!”

“Then let me help you, okay? I understand. I’m not exactly gender-conforming either.”

This was new to Illumi. He could tell Hisoka wasn’t exactly… Conforming. But he didn’t want to assume Hisoka was anything other.

“What are you? What am I?”

Hisoka chuckled, pushing hair behind Illumi’s ear. “I’m genderfluid. You, dearest, are transgender. Specifically male to female.”

Shock hit Illumi’s body, and he held back a sob. Tears welled up in Illumi’s eyes. Illumi felt his body shaking, tears falling. He heard the sobs coming from him. He felt his body leaning against Hisoka’s. But strangely he didn’t feel real.

Someone answered his life question.

Someone made him feel valid.

Now what?


	6. Chapter 6

Illumi was glad that Hisoka was kind enough to let him stay at his place. Hisoka hummed, standing up. 

“Do you like tea?”

Illumi looked up at Hisoka, smiling a little sadly. “I haven’t had tea in a long time.”

Hisoka gave Illumi a shocked expression, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Let me make you some green tea..”

Illumi nodded, staring around at the apartment. Hisoka was a very neat person; not a single thing was out of place. Books were kept nicely on their shelves, the seating wasn’t messy. Blankets were folded neatly, the air smelled sweet. The coffee table had nothing more than a few books on it and cards. Besides the cards being in a messy pile, it was neat. Clean. Illumi felt safe that way.

Hisoka came back with a mug, placing it gently in Illumi’s hands. Illumi stared into the liquid with wide eyes. It looked so comforting, so welcoming. He didn’t hesitate to take a drink of the bittersweet, hot liquid.

“Thank you,” Illumi muttered. Unlike his family, Illumi tried to be very polite to the people who offered him things. He said please and thank you. He smiled at those who offered one, laughed at jokes, held a polite conversation.

Hisoka waited for Illumi to relax before starting a new topic. “Do you have anywhere to stay tonight?”

Illumi shook his head. He was honest, he didn’t. But, he didn’t expect someone to take him in.

Hisoka nodded, getting up. He left the room for a moment. Illumi sat in silence, sighing.

Hisoka came back, smiling warmly. “You can stay here if you wish.. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Illumi shook his head with wide eyes. “No.. No that’s not right..”

Hisoka sighed, rubbing Illumi’s shoulder. “Trust me?”

Illumi sighed, closing his eyes. “Okay.”


End file.
